I had always meant to see the movie Sideways, but I hadn’t until recently. I thought it was pretty good movie, and then I realized that the character played by Thomas Haden Church, Jack Lopate, is a perfect example of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He’s so right on, that I’m sure the writer must have had plenty of experience with these creatures.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very tricky thing. Even the definitions of it in psychology are misleading because it’s understood better by some of its victims than it is by psychologists.

People often claim that people around them have “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”, usually because they are mad at that person. But unless you’ve dealt with one (or more) people with NPD you really have no idea. A person with NPD may be arrogant, selfish, self-involved, greedy, uncaring, (little-n) narcissistic or any number of things, but those traits by themselves do not guarantee a person has NPD. Someone who is (little-n) narcissistic is still very unlikely to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

When talking about NPD, everyone gets nervous that they have it. A person with NPD would never even think to worry that they have NPD. In fact, they would probably be confused by the topic or blow it off completely. Talking about yourself and having your own issues is the furthest thing from NPD. Being concerned with your own life and even your own needs first is human. Everyone is like that and that’s okay.

People like me who have an unfortunate natural attraction to these people, which itself is a thing, know that people with NPD have the capability to destroy your life if you let them. They are hard to describe, and that’s why I’m so excited that Sideways built a movie around a character with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

It’s hard to define NPD. I think of it as a person who lacks any stable real emotion and certainly lacks empathy. For instance, a person with NPD may cry hysterically making you think they have one emotion, but a minute later will have a completely different emotion. The character in the movie spends his time cheating on his fiance to the point of “falling in love” with someone else and thinks about canceling his wedding, but then when things start to fall apart in his life, he starts desperately crying at the thought of losing his fiance.

One way to identify people with NPD is by bizarre little characteristics that they tend to have in common with each other, but that normal people don’t have. Again, these things alone are not enough, but in addition to everything else, they help identify people with NPD. People with NPD tell people they love them incredibly quickly, within days. This applies to both friends and romantic interests, and they tend to end phone calls with “I love you” even for their friends. I know, it’s a weird thing, but it’s absolutely true. People with NPD tend to make a lot of bizarre unimportant empty promises that they don’t follow through on, in fact, they often don’t even remember them. For instance, one of my NPD guys would say he would call me that evening when I saw him every day. I didn’t know why he would be calling me, but I didn’t say anything. But then he wouldn’t call and wouldn’t even say anything about it. He did this every weekday for an entire month before I asked, “You know, you say you’re going to call me every day and then you don’t. I don’t care because I don’t know why you would call me, but why do you do that?” He became quite confused, it was clear that he was not entirely aware of what he had been doing and I rocked his world a little. Weird, huh? That’s the thing with people with NPD, their life is not consistent or stable. 1 + 1 does not equal 2. When you point this out to them, they get momentarily confused, sometimes angry, blame you, and then quickly move on. The problem is, they say 1 + 1 = 3 with such conviction that if you’re not checking yourself, or your math skills are a bit rusty, or you’re even just being easy going, you’re likely to go along with what they say assuming they know what they are doing.

Back to Sideways. Jack, the character with NPD in the movie takes a small vacation with a friend, Miles Raymond, before his wedding. This was supposed to be a trip for the two of them to bond and a sort of bachelor party trip. Soon into the trip Jack informs Miles that he intends to get laid before his wedding and doesn’t want Miles to ruin it for him. Miles is shocked, a little confused, but complies uncomfortably because, well, what do you do? Jack quickly falls in love with another woman and is almost completely ignoring Miles even though the trip was originally supposed to be a bonding experience for them.

A couple of days into the trip, Jack talks about canceling the wedding because he’s so in love with girl he just met, Stephanie. But Stephanie ends up finding out about Jack’s wedding and breaks his nose, she’s angry because he said he loved her and also because he was getting to know her daughter. When Miles is talking to someone about Jack’s bizarre behavior he says, “I’m sure he believed everything he was saying.” This is true of people with NPD. They aren’t lying all the time, although they do a lot of lying, their emotions and their behavior are just all mixed up. This is why he would get to know the daughter, which most people on a fling would not, he wasn’t thinking about ever breaking it off at the time.

Jack recovers from his breakup quickly, as people with NPD always do, and hits on a “fat girl”, describing her as “the grateful type.” Jack gets caught and chased out of the house by the “fat girl’s” husband. At which point he needs Miles to risk his life to get his wallet back out of the girl’s house. Miles is in real danger here, because the husband is violent, but Jack doesn’t really care. On the way home, Jack says he feels like driving. Then without even talking about it with Miles he purposely crashes Miles’ car into a tree to explain his broken nose. Classic NPD. He offers to pay for it, but you see how this situation is very bizarre and paying for it does not address the landslide of issues he has created.

This is one of the primary traits of those with NPD. They create one issue after another, taking you further and further into the negative, and there’s no way for the “victim” to ever deal with them all and get back to zero. The person with NPD isn’t interested in discussing it, because they have what they want, and there’s no point in it for them. Jack went on to marry his fiance, and if there were a sequel, he would have undoubtedly put that poor woman through hell.

There are so many similarities to my own experiences. I’ve never had my car crashed, but I’ve had financially worse things happen. I had an NPD guy cheat on his wife, pull me into the situation as an alibi, and I was thinking we were going to be hanging out. Then he ran off with a girl, which had clearly been the plan all along, and I’m trapped with nothing to do. Interestingly, I actually was told about the grateful “fat girl” theory by him, isn’t that bizarre? When he was cheating on his wife, he was ready to get divorced. But when his wife was pulling away he claimed she was the most important thing in his life and the tears came out. But then he would ignore her anyway. She asked for a divorce, and he acted like he had no idea why that would have happened. Then him and I got into a huge argument because I listed out exactly why it happened, said that it was obvious, and basically said I didn’t blame her, which I didn’t.

During this time of mourning his marriage, I brought up many conversations I had witnessed where his wife had indicated concern, not so subtly, with his behavior. He couldn’t remember any of them. He would say, “Where was I when you had this conversation?” I would say, “I just told you, you were in the car with us, all three of us were in the car having this conversation.” He would say, “I don’t remember that.” And he honestly didn’t, entire parts of his life seemed to be missing from his memory, including entire stories that his wife often told as humorous anecdotes about her crazy husband. I know he was telling the truth because I could see the fear in his eyes that he wasn’t remembering these things, and he trusted that I wouldn’t have any reason to lie about them. With all of my NPD people I’ve witnessed this kind of scary memory loss, and their confusion when it’s pointed out to them.

The movie is great because it so accurately portrays someone with NPD. It shows how a friend can get sucked into their issues and it quickly becomes a huge mess. By the end of the movie, even the viewer can’t list all the things that are wrong with this situation. The victims of someone with NPD are forever trying to just get things settled, and the person with NPD is constantly messing them up.

If you’ve read this far, you see that NPD is a serious psychological disorder. It’s not a condition you claim someone who’s being selfish has, it’s a mental handicap that destroys the life of the person with NPD and unfortunately everyone around them as well.

There is no cure for NPD, despite what the official descriptions may say, and it tends to worsen as the person ages. For the victims near the person, the only way out is to get away. Believe me, I’ve been burned badly by trying to fix that situation before I finally realized it was unfixable. That’s another trait to look for, someone who has a lot of very close friends that they mysteriously aren’t in contact with anymore. Everyone has friends they’ve lost touch with, so it’s just one more thing to add to the list of traits to look for. A person with NPD will usually blame those people, “He was the best man at my wedding, and then he just stopped calling. I’ve had such bad luck with friends, will you be my friend? …”

I just finished watching The Haunting, the 1963 version. You may remember the 1999 version with Liam Neeson and Catherine Zeta-Jones. The 1963 version is great. It’s the perfect haunted house movie!

It contained a huge surprise. A lesbian! Catherine Zeta-Jones played a lesbian in the modern version but I had no idea there would be gay representation in the 1963 version. Awesome! The lesbian character (Theo, nice male nickname) was so obvious in her intentions toward the main character (Eleanor) that I was very surprised. There was an absolutely wonderful argument between the main character (Eleanor) as the lesbian character (Theo) was trying to convince her that her crush on the handsome Dr. Markway wouldn’t work out.

Eleanor: I’d rather be innocent than like you!

Theo: Meaning what?

Eleanor: Now who’s being stupid and innocent? You know perfectly well what I mean!

Theo: Is this another of your crazy hallucinations?

Eleanor: I’m not crazy!

Theo: Crazy as a loon! You expect me to believe you’re sane and the rest of the world is mad?

Elearnor: Well, why not? The world is full of inconsistencies, unnatural things. Nature’s mistakes, they’re called… you, for instance!

[Long silence]

I love it! Modern movies just don’t have such wonderful lines. When you watch dialog like this it really leaves an impression on you. When you take into account the social beliefs of the time, and what a huge thing it was to have this conversation at all, it’s kind of cool. Of course, it’s not cool that she’s calling her “unnatural”, but in a way it kind of is cool. Because really, she (Eleanor) is deeply jealous of the lesbian character (Theo) and this whole discussion is her acting out. The truth is, the lesbian (Theo) is already probably the best friend she has ever had. She’s probably taken more romantic interest in her than anyone else, as well.

Write it down, set a calendar item, and watch this one next Halloween. Or, run out to the video store fast!

I want to find out more to see if Jackie O started giving them some money or something. I mean, they were crazy, but I think she could have paid for a maid to clean the place and someone to cook them meals and that kind of thing. I know Jackie O redid the house and some other stuff, but with all the money in that family, taking care of them shouldn’t have been much of a problem. Of course, rich people are often crazy, and the idea of “giving” them money or even basic care may have been very unattractive. Also, being related, maybe Jackie O was equally crazy in a different way.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s interesting and often funny. I think, in an exaggerated way, their relationship and even their lifestyle represents all human relationships from friendships to marriages. If nothing else, this movie will motivate you to clean your house.

I have a personal boycott on Tom Cruise movies. Only occasionally will I break this boycott if my curiosity gets to a certain level for a movie. This never happens when the movie first comes out, it’s only after years when I find myself still interested in the movie.

This happened with Vanilla Sky, and last night it happened with Eyes Wide Shut. The thing about Eyes Wide Shut is that it’s directed by Stanley Kubrick, and since the movie was available with Amazon HD rentals on my TiVo, I couldn’t resist.

As I expected the movie was really great. It was surprising and lush with just the right amount of sex. Considering the topic, there could easily have been too much. The movie is a visual pleasure. The lighting and scenery and sets are absolutely great and very dramatic. The use of red and blue was wonderful. Stanley Kubrick is never afraid to take full advantage of color, but without getting in the way of the movie.

But Tom Cruise’s acting was so horrible. Nicole Kidman’s was bad too. They had all these monologues and apparently Tom Cruise believes that when people are stressed or sad they look down and shake and talk really slowly. He does that in every movie I’ve seen him in. The bad acting is so obvious that I think Kubrick must have had an ulterior motive for casting Tom and Nicole.

The story gets a bit wonky at the end. There’s kind of an odd resolution of plot points that don’t really seem to need to be resolved. The movie requires that you give up your normal emotional reactions to things. Even the characters don’t express normal emotions. But then at the end, they get sort of teary and emotionally aware and it’s suddenly very out of character. You look at the screen saying, “Why are you crying?”, “Why are you concerned about that?” It’s annoying that these emotions are badly acted to boot, sort of like when someone is faking crying to be manipulative.

However, despite this, Eyes Wide Shut is a must see. It’s a great experience. The acting being bad almost accentuates the movie, rather than destroys it.

The bodybuilding world is a lot like the wrestling world in that movie. It’s two sided. On one side there’s the glory of being an accomplished competitor, and on the other side there’s sitting in an empty room with a stack of DVDs you’re trying to sell. While some of the situations were set up to tell a story in a movie, they were portraying real life. You might not be in an actual empty room, but there’s a stack of DVDs in the corner that nobody wants, which reminds you that you’re not nearly as important as you hoped you’d be.

There’s also the bubble effect, which is portrayed in the movie, but I think was a little underplayed. Otherwise sensible people who don’t know you are likely to invite you to stay at their vacation house after 5 minutes of talking to you. The wrong kind of women are likely to throw themselves at you. In fact, more often the wrong kind of men are too, which I’m surprised they didn’t explore further in the film. However, it was painful enough so I’m glad they didn’t.

These factors keep the person believing they are important while preventing them from developing real relationships and sometimes even real personality skills. When everyone reacts positively to you, why would you think that you don’t have an absolutely great personality? You end up turning away any real relationships because they don’t sparkle as much. You see in the film how much charm Mickey Rourke’s character had. But he was still unable to form real lasting relationships.

Everybody who meets you has a hidden agenda, often one they aren’t even aware of. But when they realize that you aren’t actually superman, or that you can’t save them from whatever they needed to be saved from, the friends betray you, and your wife leaves you, the agents stop calling, and the party’s over. And you’re left with no skills, no job, no money, and nobody. It’s tragic.

As the movie suggests, you’re left with one thing. The thing you actually do well, and even if its ridiculous to try again, financially unwise, or even unsafe, you’ll do it. Because it’s all you’ve got left.

I quickly saw the truth about the bodybuilding world. And what I saw was a bunch of good people who were willing to work hard for a dream, being taken advantage of. With wimpy payouts and no appreciation, a quote from Randy “The Ram” to another younger wrestler really stood out to me.

The people who drive the Cadillacs, the ones with the politics, they run the show. It ain’t about ability so you just hang in there.

If your impression is that this is not the case with professional baseball, basketball, or football, you’re wrong. When there are lots of talented people with dreams to chose from, decisions are made for all sorts of reasons.

I also remember discussing Star Wars, which I hadn’t seen, with some friends. We were going around and sharing our favorite character. The other people I think had relatively predictable characters as their favorites, but since I hadn’t seen the movie, rather than say “that’s mine too”, I named the only other “character” I knew… the sand people. However, given it was that kind of discussion, it basically passed as a reasonable answer to a group of my fellow 5 year olds.

And on a slightly different note, you know when parents take the family dog to be put down and they tell the kids they took him to a farm where he could chase rabbits and so forth? Well, I thought there actually were farms that took these dogs in. Even when I was like 35, I would think, “Hmmm… do people really do that? Where exactly are these farms.” I didn’t know anyone who had ever done this. It wasn’t until I saw a movie or TV show mentioning it that I learned what that really meant. And even then for a second I was like, “Now does it always mean that or is there sometimes really a farm?” I suppose someone at least once must have taken a dog to a friend on a farm rather than taking him to the pound. Who knows.

I have a cold this weekend. Last weekend I had the flu. My throat and nose are that kind of sore that makes it really hurt when you sneeze. Wah. But Kody keeps me cheered up.

I always say watch happy movies when you’re sick. So yesterday I watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. I loved it. I think Natalie Portman is going to do just fine in her post Star Wars career.

It was nice to see Jason Bateman in a movie too. I always hope anyone who was in Arrested Development does well. I haven’t seen the mother recently, they should remake The Parent Trap again, but this time make it good, and have her play the mother-in-law-to-be and expand the role a bit.

Anyway, go onto iTunes and rent this movie, it’s awesome.